Jokes

1. There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is a black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?” Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”

2. Johnny asks his grandpa, “do you still have sex with granny?” Grandpa says, “Yes, but only oral.” Johnny asks, “What is oral?” Grandpa says, “I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too.”,

3. A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su, and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States. In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards. The Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Su and Fu decided to stay in China!

4. john hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “What was your toast?” John said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

5. A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins’ driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. “I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo,” shouted the first driver. The second replied, “I did, but I had some money left, so we’re going to the cinema now.”

6. A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.” I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you” Saint Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?” “Couple of minutes ago.”

7. A couple were going out for the evening They’d gotten ready, all dolled up. They dog had to be put outside since they didn’t like leaving him alone inside. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.” A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long” he says. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again either!”

8. A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’ The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, ‘There’s no charge.’ ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says. ‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’ ‘So I just switched the heads.’

9. A guy who sees a pretty girl sitting alone in a library leans over and asks her “Do you mind if I sit with you?”.The girl answers loudly “Hell no I don’t want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!” Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated. After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly says “I am a
psychology student and I knew what you were thinking. I guess you were humiliated, right?” The guy answers back loudly “200 bucks for a blow job? Are you fucking kidding me?”.Everybody looks at the girl and she feels humiliated. Then the guy says “well I am a lawyer and I know how to make someone feel guilty!!!”.

10. An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven He seeks out God and asks him: “Hey God, I’ve heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?” God smiles serenely and answers: “Yes, my son, please tell it to me.”The jew grins and says: “How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!” God doesn’t laugh, instead, he looks rather shocked. The survivor shrugs with his shoulders.”Eh, I guess you had to be there.

11. A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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