1.A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing…
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
2. A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”
He replies: “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”
“Wow that’s amazing!” – says the wife – “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”
“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday” – he replied – “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst”
A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, “Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!”
The husband yells back, “We’re not having sex!”
Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger’s shift.
Finally, the husband’s takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, “Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!”
4.Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, “I’m terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs.”
Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.
They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.
Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.
Then Carl started to tell sad stories. “I’ll tell my saddest story of all first,” he said. “There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car…”
5.The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest…
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening; “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.” The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Alberta?” The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?” The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
6.A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before,
but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,”….
the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
7.when a new guy starts work at a bakery
He’s handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: “Great, it’s dinner-roll day!”. The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.
It’s the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: “Wow, wholemeal loaf day!”. And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before,….
and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you’re telling a story about a bakery.
On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words “Danish Pastry day” on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of “Doughnut day! Yes!!!” heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.
But on Friday:
“I don’t understand it,” says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. “It’s his cake day and he’s made barely any effort at all.”
8.A couple goes to a sex therapist..
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medi
9.Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step
dad and the teacher asks him…”Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?”
“I did Teacher”
“And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?”
“Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I’d swim back.”
“Oh, well, um, it’s an awful long way to swim isn’t, 1/2 a mile?”
“Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I’d got out of the bag!”
10.A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.
While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.
The people there told him:
“Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it’s going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.
The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.
When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said
“I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her”
Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I’m not about to take that risk with your mother.
11. It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.
To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, “OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of”.
So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, “Does that scare you?” She chuckled a little and said, “Nope!”
He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, “Does that scare you?” “Nope”…
He pushed some more through the gap and asked, “Does that scare you?” “Nope” she said laughing. He then said, “Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!”
12. An old hillbilly has a beautiful young bride.
One day a salesman comes to his door selling rabbits. “That’s a mighty fine looking rabbit you have there,” says the old man. “How much do you want for it?”
“This one sells for 20 bucks,” says the salesman.
“That’s mighty expensive for a rabbit,” says the hillbilly. “Tell you what, my wife is really beautiful. I’ll bet you I can look at her without getting a hard-on and you can’t. Winner gets the rabbit.”
So, the salesman agrees, and the older man tells his wife to take off her clothes and get on the bed with her legs spread apart….
She is gorgeous. The old man pulls down his pants and his dick is totally flaccid. “Now it’s your turn,” he says to the salesman.
The salesman pulls down his pants to reveal a raging hard-on. He pounces on the wife and begins humping away.
“Ha! You lose!” says the older man.
“You can keep the damn ra-A-A-A-A-bbit!” screams the salesman!
13.Three lumberjacks were cutting down trees in the forest when they came across an old cabin. They knocked on the door and an old blind man came out and said “I know you boys are cutting down my trees but I don’t care as long as you don’t cut down my maples. I harvest the syrup from them.”
The lumberjacks said “we just started a logging business and we’re out here cutting down some trees but don’t worry we won’t bother your maples.” The old blind man said “You better not be and don’t think you can fool me either. I know everything about wood there is to know.” The 3 lumberjacks told him he was full of shit and started to walk away. The old man stalled them and said “I’ll tell you what boys…
if you don’t believe me…bring me 3 different pieces of wood and I’ll bet you $1000 I can identify each type of wood just by smelling it.” The lumberjacks took his bet and each returned with a different piece of freshly cut wood. They handed the old man the first piece…he smelled it and said “there’s no mistaking that strong scent…that boys is pine.” He was correct. The lumberjacks weren’t fully convinced and realized they had given him an easy one so they handed the old man the 2nd piece of wood. The old man smelled it and said “that’s a tough one but I know for a fact that right there is oak.” Once again…he was correct. The lumberjacks knew they were about to be out of $1000 so they huddled to devise a plan to try to throw the old man off. The one lumberjack said “I have an idea…you boys remember how I was tellin’ y’all about how my wife gave me some pussy and a piece of ass this morning before I left the house? Watch this…” He walked over to the old man, pulled out his dick, and said here you go old man…take a whiff of this wood and tell me what it is!” The old man smelled it…paused…and took one more good whiff and said “That there boys is a plank off of the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.”
14.A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by…
identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: “We love to fly and it shows”.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “Winning the hearts of the world”.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: “Going beyond expectations”.
The woman looks at him sternly and says: “What the fuck do you want dickhead?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face… Ryanair!
15.A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However,
I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die”.
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a financial planner, and a lawyer, each…
successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his chequebook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
16.Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker . He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell “One hundred and fifty pounds!” He’d yell back “Five pounds!”
Camilla decided to accompany her husband and as the couple neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled “See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!
17.A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says,
“I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot…
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.” ……….
She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says,”I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed.
They can’t figure her out.
She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The lady blushes, and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous.” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”
“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
18.There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
19.An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo piss an shite!”
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s English?”
And the shepherd says “I’m terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?”
20.Two guys win big in a casino and one wants to hire a hooker.
They’re not familiar with the area so they’re not sure how this works.
After hours of random searching they finally find a pretty stunning blonde.
So the one guy says to his friend that he’ll catch up with him tomorrow so he
can leave his friend to do the deed with the hooker.
The next day, his friend wants to hear the details.
He tells him, “She charged me $300 for the night. $150 for a blowjob and $150 for …”
His friend interrupts, “What? That’s an expensive blowjob. And $150 for the pussy?”
The guy says, “well, turns out it was actually a dude so no pussy. I was horny as hell, so $150 for anal.”
His friend says, “Wow, was it worth it?”
He responds, “Yeah. It was great. My asshole still
hurts a lot but completely worth it. “