Here you can read the best short jokes with twist and plot twist jokes and huge collection Long jokes For Adults enjoy and laugh. you won’t be able to stop laughing after reading these jokes. we collect dirty jokes with a twist. The best long jokes incorporate amusing boring tales, truly long jokes with no zinger, boring tale messes with long arrangements, and incredible story jokes. You may likewise incorporate interesting section jokes and account jokes for some variety. Thus, with no further huge delay, we should go through this best determination of the most clever long jokes for youngsters and grown-ups funny short stories with a twist for adults & Funny long jokes with a twist .
1. When Einstein Driver
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
2. Plot Twist in Naughty Student’s Story
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door
Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student:The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
3.The Girl Wished Her Father Had Died But The Mailman Died. But How?
A little girl was praying when her dad walked in. she said “good night grandma good night mom good night dad good bye grandpa”.
the next day the grandpa drops dead. the dad decides to ignore what she says last night and continues on with his day.
that night the dad walks in his daughters room praying again. she says “good night mom, good night dad, goodbye grandma”.
the next day the grandma drops dead. the dad starts to get a little freaked and at night he hears his daughter praying again.
she says “good night mom, good bye dad”. the dad I completely freaked out so when he goes to work that day he stays in his office.
he is afraid of going home so he stays until closing. he comes home and his wife opens the door. she says “where have you been?” he says “I’ve had a rough day.” the wife says, “you’ve had a rough day? first of all in the morning the mailman drops dead in front of me.”
4. Just a Typical Story Repost With a little Twist
A proud farmer lying on his deathbed, asked his three sons to find one object that can be used to fill the inside of the barn. The one who can deliver will be chosen as his heir to the farm.
So the oldest son goes to the market to get hay while the middle son go get leaves and the youngest son goes to a shop and buys two things that he put in his pocket.
The middle son went first, he hauled in his leaves and a fails to fill the barn entirely, instead he manages to fill only 1/4 of the barn.
The oldest son is next, he shovels in his truckload of hay only to discover that it’s not enough to fill to barn as well, only managing to fill 1/2 of the barn.
Last is the youngest son, he pulls out a lamp and some matches. He strikes a flame and lights the lamp, but as doing so he slips on a pile of cow shit inside the barn, causing him to drop the lamp and lit match onto the pile of leaves and hay his brothers left inside the barn. This causes a giagantic chain reaction resulting in the entire farm being burnt to smithereens as well as the next 75 miles of esate down south. He is charged with arson and sentenced to prison for 45 years.
Farmer: Maybe I should’ve just given the farm to my wife. (jokes with a twist)
5. Jim Thinking Quartermaster Was a Wizard
Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.
When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was last in line. The quartermaster tells Jim, “I’m sorry but now we’re all out of bayonets. Tie this banana on the end of your stick and when you’re doing drills, yell “Stabety Stab Stab!’”
It goes well, but after just a couple weeks of training Jim finds himself in the actual war! He’s on the front lines, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. But then an enemy soldier jumps out in front of him, and his training takes over. He points his stick and yells, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The soldier falls down dead. Another rushes him from the back. Jim twists around and yells’ “Stabety Stab Stab!” and that soldier also falls down dead. “Maybe that quartermaster was a wizard “, Jim thinks as he takes down enemy soldiers right and left. “Bangety Bang Bang”! “Stabety Stab Stab!”
But then a very burly soldier steps in front of Jim. “Bangety Bang Bang!”, he yells. Nothing happens. The soldier keeps coming. “Stabety Stab Stab!”, he tries. Again the soldier keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!” Nothing fazes the soldier as he slooooowly pushes Jim over, and tramples him to death. The enemy soldier looking down at Jim says in a very, very deep voice, “Tankety Tank Tank”
6. A Lady From Revenue Department
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.r>
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
7. When Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing
Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, “My son is doing pretty well. He’s just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he’s doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car.” Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.
The third guy steps up and can’t help but escalate with praise for his own son, “That’s pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He’s a chip off the old block. He’s a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He’s doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!”. He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.
The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son’s accomplishments, “Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He’s a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he’s been dating an entire freaking house!” He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.
The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, “What about you? You didn’t say anything before you shot… don’t you have something to share about your son?”
The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, “I don’t understand my son. I love him and I’m happy he’s happy. He’s a cross-dresser, he’s gay, and works as a male escort…” They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, “He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin’ house!”
8. The blind man who could identify any type of wood by smell
Three lumberjacks were cutting down trees in the forest when they came across an old cabin. They knocked on the door and an old blind man came out and said “I know you boys are cutting down my trees but I don’t care as long as you don’t cut down my maples. I harvest the syrup from them.”
The lumberjacks said “we just started a logging business and we’re out here cutting down some trees but don’t worry we won’t bother your maples.” The old blind man said “You better not be and don’t think you can fool me either. I know everything about wood there is to know.” The 3 lumberjacks told him he was full of shit and started to walk away. The old man stalled them and said “I’ll tell you what boys…
if you don’t believe me…bring me 3 different pieces of wood and I’ll bet you $1000 I can identify each type of wood just by smelling it.” The lumberjacks took his bet and each returned with a different piece of freshly cut wood. They handed the old man the first piece…he smelled it and said “there’s no mistaking that strong scent…that boys is pine.” He was correct. The lumberjacks weren’t fully convinced and realized they had given him an easy one so they handed the old man the 2nd piece of wood. The old man smelled it and said “that’s a tough one but I know for a fact that right there is oak.” Once again…he was correct. The lumberjacks knew they were about to be out of $1000 so they huddled to devise a plan to try to throw the old man off. The one lumberjack said “I have an idea…you boys remember how I was tellin’ y’all about how my wife gave me some pussy and a piece of ass this morning before I left the house? Watch this…” He walked over to the old man, pulled out his dick, and said here you go old man…take a whiff of this wood and tell me what it is!” The old man smelled it…paused…and took one more good whiff and said “That there boys is a plank off of the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.”
9. Smartest president
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, ‘I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.’ So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ‘I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.’ He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, ….
‘My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.’
The little boy said, ‘That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America ‘s smartest President took my schoolbag…
Edit : Thank you for the rewards and upvotes !
10. Beautiful woman
A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: “We love to fly and it shows”.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “Winning the hearts of the world”.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: “Going beyond expectations”.
The woman looks at him sternly and says: “What the fuck do you want dickhead?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face… Ryanair! (short jokes with a twist)
11. When Prince Charles Hire a Hooker
Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker . He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell “One hundred and fifty pounds!” He’d yell back “Five pounds!”
Camilla decided to accompany her husband and as the couple neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled “See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!
12. What Happned When Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.
In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : “in Sweden a prostitute….
makes $2000 per night.”
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them :
“Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn’t take off until the afternoon. “
13. Old Man Who lived By a Forest
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
14. A girlfriend with big ti*s.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency;
she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became…
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
15.When the Teacher explains the Definition of the word “Definitely.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really question you want to ask in class discussion.”So the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely shit in my pants.”
16. How were people born
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
17. How much for a season ticket
Anybody caught breaking the rule will be fined….On the first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules:“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory for the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”
He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time…will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season ticket?”
18. When a man wearing a ten-gallon hat
A man wearing a ten-gallon hat and leather boots goes into a bar and sits down next to a woman. “Are you a real cowboy?”, she asks him. He responds: “For all my life, I have been tamed and ridden horses. I have repaired fences, herded and tended to cows, and caught escaped cows. I think it would make sense to call myself a cowboy.”To which she says: “Interesting. I myself am a lesbian. I wake up thinking about women, when I am in the shower I think about women, at night laying in bed I think about women. I constantly think about women.” They talk for a while until she gets up and leaves. An older couple enters the bar and sits down next to the cowboy. They eyeball him a short while and then muster up the courage to ask him:”Are you a real cowboy?”, to which he replies: “For all my life I thought I was a cowboy, but today I learned that I am in fact a lesbian.”
19. Why this man wants double dose of Viagra
A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Vi*gra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.“Why not?” asked the man.“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.“But I need it really bad,” said the man.“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”The man said, “No one showed up.”
20. Bl*wjobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.” The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
21. Women Eating Grass
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor women replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor women he stated, “You come with us also.” The second women, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”
22. Two Nuns are Tasked with Painting a Room
Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin
painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the reply. The nuns shrug and decide there
is no harm in opening the door for him. They unlock the door and open it. The man says “Nice b*obs! Anyways, where do you want the blinds installed?”
23. blonde walks in cyber café
A blonde is on vacation and she walks into an Internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mom in America.
She doesn’t know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says:
“Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?” The guy say’s, “Yeah, but it will cost ya.”…
And the blonde says, “Sure I’ll do anything for my mom.” The guy says,.
“In that case, follow me.” So she follows him into the back room and
he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his
boxers and says: “Well go on then you said you’d do anything!”
So she picks up his d.ck, holds it to her mouth and says: “Hello………mom are you there?”
24. woman Walks in to Adult Toy
A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a d*ldo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman,
“I want that one!” He replies, “It’s not for sale.”
The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.
The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”
The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”
25. Wife in Bed with Lover
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the
door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he
won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”The husband lurched into
bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking
out at the end of the bed.He turned to his wife: “Hey, there
are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again.
You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
26. Tragedy in Library
A guys sees a pretty girl sitting alone in a libraryHe leans over and asks her “Do you mind if I sit with you?”.The girl answers loudly “Hell no I don’t want to sleep with
you, you fucking pervert!!!” Everybody in the library looksat the guy and he feels humiliated.After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly says “I am a
psychology student and I knew what you were thinking. I guess you were humiliated, right?” The guy answers back loudly “200 bucks for a blow job? Are you fucking kidding me?”.Everybody looks at the girl and she feels humiliated. Then the guy says “well I am a lawyer and I know how to make someone feel guilty!!!”.
27. When survivor meets the God
An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven He seeks out God and askshim: “Hey God, I’ve heard this really funny joke onearth. Do you want to hear it?” God smiles serenly and answers: “Yes, my son, please tell it to me.”The jew grins and says: “How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!” God doesn’t laughs, instead, he looks rather shocked. The survivor shrugs with his shoulders.”Eh, I guess you had to be there.
28. When Trump supporters meet God
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? God says, “My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square,. After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.
29. Mother Told Her Daugther What she Got after Taking in Mouth
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
30. Twin Sons Very Weird Names
In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy’s name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, somehow he couldn’t find him anywhere. He saw a police car passing the neighborhood, so he stopped it to ask for help. When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, “Mind Your Own Business!” Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. Mind Your Own Business replied, “I am looking for Trouble!”
31. A Blonde was Down on Her Luck
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you. “She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning….
put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the Northside of
the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
32. A Cheat Husband Joke
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
33. Russian soldiers marching
There are some Russian soldiers marching They hear a voice shout from over a hill,
“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!” The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be
easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came
back. After a minute they heard the voice again, “I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”
The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, decided to send some of his men over, to finish this Ukrainian off. After a while of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers came back, and the voice shouted again, “I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!” The sergeant, thinking that 1 soldier could not possibly beat 1000, sent his troops over. Again, there was lots of noise, but then, silence.
1 Russian soldier returned this time, bloody and bruised, barely walking. The soldier said:
“Don’t send any more men over; there’s actually 2 Ukrainians.”
34. The Lost Dog and Lion
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”. The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy…. seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can” Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me
another lion an hour ago…”
35. Old Man’s hairline
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” And so they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
36. As good as this bar
“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “
I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there’s a wee place called McTavish’s…. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.” “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
37. A man named Don.
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, “Whole Don here for just one minute!”
38. Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk
A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench…
After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Chinese drunk.
“What the hell was that for?” ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head. “That was for Pearl Harbor!” replies the Jewish drunk. “Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I’m Chinese!” he exclaims in return.
“Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean… you’re all the same to me,” the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave. The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench. The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle, and smashes it over the head of the Jew. “Why the hell did you do that?” the Jewish man stammers. “That was for the Titanic!” explains the Chinese drunk. “The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!” the Jew replies. “Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg…. you’re all the same to me,” the Chinese drunk happily retorts.
39. Man Wakes up After a Heavy Night
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. “You kicked in the door when you couldn’t get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.” “Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?” “When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, ‘Get your hands off me! I’m married!'”
40. Little Girl Says to her Mother
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”…
“Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?” And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.” “Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.” “Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?” “I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.” “Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?” “Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor: “Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology? The sailor said no to all his questions. Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy. After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology? The professor said no. Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”. The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists. One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.” A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
44. S*x Playlist
I made a sex playlist
for me and my girlfriend
Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.
45. Girls’ night out
Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”