Funniest Hilarious Offensive One Liners Jokes Ever

  1. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”
  2. “I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.”
  3. “I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.”
  4. “I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”
  5. “Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.”
  6. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
  7. “Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.”
  8. “I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.”
  9. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
  10. “A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
  11. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
  12. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?”
  13. “We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?”
  14. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
  15. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
  16. My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.”
  17. “Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.”
  18. “I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”
  19. “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!”
  20. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
  21. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”
  22. “You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”
  23. “Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.”
  24. “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
  25. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
  26. “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
  27. “Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”
  28. “Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”
  29. “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”
  30. “Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.”
  31. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off!
  32. Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
  33. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
  34. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” — in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left.
  35. Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
  36. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.
  37. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  38. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  39. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
  40. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  41. Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
  42. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  43. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
  44. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
  45. I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
  46. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
  47. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  48. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  49. R.I.P boiled water. You will be missed.
  50. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
  51. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
  52. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
  53. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  54. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  55. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
  56. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  57. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
  58. I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  59. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
  60. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
  61. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  62. Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
  63. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
  64. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  65. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  66. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  67. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
  68. I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
  69. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
  70. I refused to believe father, the road worker, was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.
  71. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
  72. PMS jokes are not funny — period!
  73. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  74. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.
  75. I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.
  76. Women should not have children after 35 — 35 children are enough!
  77. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
  78. Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location.
  79. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: I just couldn’t concentrate.
  80. My math teacher called me average — it’s so mean!
  81. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
  82. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  83. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day — that’s a bit of a stretch.
  84. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouths.
  85. “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
  86. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.
  87. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
  88. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  89. “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
  90. “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis
  91. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno
  92. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
  93. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
  94. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  95. Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.
  96. It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
  97. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
  98. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
  99. The person who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
  100. The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
  101. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
  102. Have you played the updated kids’ game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.
  103. A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
  104. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”
  105. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
  106. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
  107. Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.
  108. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
  109. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.
  110. I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.
  111. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
  112. Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
  113. Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
  114. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.
  115. Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
  116. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  117. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
  118. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  119. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  120. Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
  121. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
  122. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
  123. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  124. Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. +

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