If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two daysThen it would be a sadder day (Saturday)
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: GregSo this is how the Gregorian calendar was created
Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
My milk expires next thursday That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don’t.
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Nothing ruins your FridayLike finding out it’s only Thursday.
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
What do the French call a really bad Thursday?A Tra-jeudi!
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
The boss frowns on anyone yelling: “Hey Weirdo!” He says too many people look up from their work.
Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” – Demetri Martin
There are almost 1,300 comedy shows at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter.
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen
“One in four frogs is a leap frog.”
I just got an e-mail saying “On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020..”So tempted to reply “Pics or it didn’t happen”.
I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning.None of them turnip.
Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday eveningsThe neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need
Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans.Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns.