1. The fake report card:

I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every quarter that year. I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake. She was PISSED—at the school for their error. The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

2. All the fish

I went to this girl’s party the week after she beat the shit out of my friend. While everyone was getting trashed, I went around putting tuna inside all the curtain rods and so like weeks went by and they couldn’t figure out why the house smelled like festering death. They caught me through this video where these guys at the party were singing Beyoncé while I was in the background with a can of tuna.

3. How to win at video games:

When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password. So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids). I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

4. R4. UNNER-UP: $250

Maureen Holmes,
Halls Head, Western Australia

We met two weeks ago.
The time had come.
I took him by the hand and led him to my bedroom.
There I proceeded to remove my clothes.
Naked, I looked into his eyes and saw excitement and amusement.
I moved towards the bed, slid under the covers, and patted the space beside me.
His eyes searching my face, he slowly removed his shirt, jeans, then pointed to his jocks: “These?”
I nodded.
He was gorgeous, tall, slim, and all male.
He lifted the sheet and came into my arms.
I was seventy. He was eighty. Life had begun again.

“With short and sharp sentences, the writer has skilfully depicted an intimate and beautiful scene. Not a single word is wasted, and the effect is clear and emotionally uplifting.”

5. Clever kids

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed
limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand
painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice:
another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at
his feet full of change.

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